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Posted By Kathleen Javen
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When it’s time to say goodbye: guiding your child through pet loss
It is never easy to say goodbye. Losing a pet at any age is heartbreaking. For many kids, though the death of a pet brings an added challenge. It is often their first experience of losing someone they love. This is an opportunity to open a conversation about the end part of a life cycle and life’s journey in a thoughtful and natural way. There are some great resources to help you. Brilliant picture books (see list below) explain in a sensitive way, the process of loss and how it feels. Explaining to your child that death is a very natural process and it is part of the cycle of life. All things, plants, animals and humans all go through this cycle.
When the time comes for this final journey for your pet, I’m there for you. I understand that you may need to talk this through with me or you may just need to have the service provided as soon as possible after coming to the decision yourself. We all have our own way of coping with this process and there is no “wrong” way of dealing with it – everyone has their own way of coming to this decision for their beautiful pet.
Many parents ask if it’s ok for their child to be present when the pet is being put to sleep. All I can say is, it has to be right for you as a parent – you know your child better than anyone, so that is squarely a decision you need time to make. In my experience, some kids are really amazing the way they accept and immediately understand what is going on. Others not so much. Our daughter was with us when we said goodbye to our beloved Golden Retriever, Benson. She was 15 – and understandably we all cried our eyes out and so did the staff around us. So age is a factor you need to take into consideration. Please, feel free to discuss this with me if I can help in anyway.
The books below are just great reading – for everyone. To make it easy for you, I have embedded links to bookstores in the underlined title of the book on screen so that you can purchase the books directly online. Local bookstores will get these books in for you too.
Recommended Books:
Lifetimes: The beautiful way to explain death to children (click here to watch the video)
This lyrical, poetic picture book is not at all scary or particularly sad. It explains “how things are” for plants, insects and other animals, and even people — that we all have lifetimes, which must begin and end. True to its subtitle, the book is quite beautiful, thanks in large part to Ingpen’s soothing depictions of the natural world.
When a Pet Dies by Fred Rogers This nonfiction book is a classic from the gentle Mr. Rogers. When a Pet Dies helps children understand death itself: “When a pet dies, it isn’t alive anymore, so it can’t wake up again. A pet that dies stops breathing and moving.” But it also connects the experience of death to children’s emotional lives, explaining: “There will come a time when your sadness and anger have gone away … a time when you can feel happy again about the good times you and your pet had together.” Honestly addressing children and their concerns, this book both clarifies and comforts.
Cat Heavenby Cynthia Rylant. Rylant’s books sidestep death itself and skip straight to the deliciousness of pet paradise.
Dog Heaven is a place filled with wide lakes, loud geese, angels, and children — which, Rylant explains, dogs love “more than anything else in the world, so [God] fills Dog Heaven with plenty of them.” Meanwhile, in Cat Heaven, the kitties snuggle in cozy laps, enjoy abundant cat toys, and eat tuna from bowls set right on the counter. In Rylant’s books, both cats and dogs invisibly return to earth to check on their people.
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst, illustrated by Erik Blegvad Viorst’s likable young narrator tells us that his cat Barney died last Friday, and that he was very sad. “I cried, and I didn’t watch television. I cried, and I didn’t eat my chicken or even the chocolate pudding. I went to bed, and I cried.” After a backyard funeral, a friend says that the cat is in heaven, but Barney’s owner argues that the cat is simply in the ground. His Dad says he doesn’t know which of the two is right. Later, in the garden, they ponder the mystery of seeds turning into flowers. “Things change in the ground.” The boy wonders, “Will Barney change too?” Yes, he will, Dad says. “He’ll help grow the flowers, and he’ll help grow that tree and some grass. You know, that’s a pretty nice job for a cat.” Tenderly written, and respectful of the child who is a realist with a heart.
On Feeling Better … Eventually
When sadness is fresh, it can be hard to see hope ahead. These books help kids realise that even losing a pet is a wound time can heal.
Alfie and the Birthday Surprise by Shirley Hughes Alfie’s middle-aged neighbour, Bob MacNally, loses his beloved cat, Smoky. Everyone, including Alfie, has a good cry, and everyone starts to feel better — except Bob. As Bob’s birthday approaches, they all plan a surprise party, but it’s the MacNally daughter who, with Alfie’s help, has the biggest surprise of all: a new kitten. “Boots soon settled down as one of the MacNally family, and Bob grew very fond of him. Though, of course, they never forgot dear old Smoky.” The death of the old cat fairly early in the tale, coupled with the story’s leisurely movement toward the arrival of a new kitten, allows for the gentle suggestion that things do, in time, get better.
Saying Goodbye to Lulu by Corinne Demas, illustrated by Ard Hoyt This is a sweet, straightforward story about a girl and her beloved but ailing dog. “One day, Lulu couldn’t stand up. She slept all day. She didn’t eat. She wet her bed.” The next day, when the girl returns from school, Lulu is dead. Lulu is buried in the backyard on a fall day, and her girl mourns. Time passes and, the following summer, the family adopts a puppy. “You’re not Lulu,” the girl whispers to him. “Still, I’ll love you, too.” It is worth noting that Saying Goodbye to Lulu wisely avoids any discussion of euthanasia, though it’s quite possible this is how Lulu died. Some children can find discussions of putting animals down in a few other books very upsetting. Even if that’s what happens to your pet, consider whether your child is ready for discussions of the vet’s assistance in ending your pet’s life.
The Forever Dog by Bill Cochran, illustrated by Dan Andreasen Many books about pet death end on the high note of a new pet being added to the family, either right away or after a mourning period. But what if another pet isn’t in your family’s future? The Forever Dog manages to end positively without the appearance of a new pet. Mike and his dog Corky had promised each other to be together forever, so when Corky suddenly becomes sick and dies, Mike feels both sad and angry. Eventually, through his mom’s guidance, Mike accepts that Corky will always be with him and that the pain he feels is part of getting Corky settled in his new forever home — in Mike’s heart.
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